Gibber-gabber
How to get rid of Trick or Treaters
kristen b 2008-09-25 18:29:12 UTC

Ok, so if you know me, you will not that the suggestions and thoughts in this post are not reflective of kristen b! That said, I thought it was pretty funny..

Getting rid of trick-or-treaters is something every poor college student, or any person who can’t fit bags of candy into their budget, thinks about in late October. Like many professional sports leagues, it seems the Halloween season has been extended. When I was a child, we were only allowed to trick-or-treat after dark, and for a few hours at the most. Today, the newest generations of trick or treaters are pulling in record amounts of candy revenue by extending their season from mid-afternoon to late evening—sometimes even trick or treating the day before and following the officially designated Halloween night. This brash and brazen trick-or-treatery must come to an end, especially in light of America’s obesity epidemic. So, for those of you who despise the evening of Halloween, we here at How to Get Rid of Things offer you some advice about keeping trick or treaters off your lawn, or at least encourage them to knock on your neighbor’s door instead.

1. Strict costume codes will help you keep trick or treaters away.
2. Keeping a movie intended for adults on repeat and cranked up on your stereo speakers should keep the trick-or-treaters at bay
3. No surer way has been found to keep children away out off of a lawn than the prospect of having to work on it. If you want to keep trick-or-treaters off your lawn, simply put a couple of lawn care tools in your front yard with a help wanted sign posted in plain sight. The idea of being coaxed into menial labor for a crappy Nestle Crisp chocolate bar should thin the ranks.
4. Police tape and empty shells will keep those pesky trick-or-treaters off your porch. Make sure to tape off your entire yard, and don’t leave any cheesy props like knives or chalk outlines; children might mistake those for “decorations.�? Instead, grab a handful of empty .22 shells from your local ammo shop and scatter them on the sidewalk. That should have chaperones grabbing wrists and crossing the street.
5. Turning off your porch lights is the least fun, but most effective way to get rid of trick-or-treaters. If the lights aren’t on, then you’re not home. What you have to be careful of is watching television in the dark. Not only is it bad for your eyes, but the little heathens outside will see the flickering light and either knock on your door or throw eggs at it out of spite.